I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
