Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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