I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
