went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sorry about my life...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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