I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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