he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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