I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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