My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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