eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
