he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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