Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
