We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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