Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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