Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.