some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
