I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
