respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
