He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
