Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
