He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
