I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
