Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
