im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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