I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
