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She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
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