I think my fart just growled at me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
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Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.