I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.