he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
