Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
