peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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