I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm too high and old for this...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
