I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
