i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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