ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
