I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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