I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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