That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
