Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
