I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
