I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
