I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The ass gains better be worth it
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