The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
