Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
