Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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