how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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