if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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