all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
