Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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