i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
