where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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