I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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