Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
