apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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