He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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