You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
