So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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